Testament
by seven maxwell
Summary: Trowa is required to see a psychologist before being allowed to join Preventors. angst, dark Trowa. Oneshot


Title: Testament  
Author: 7maxwell  
Fandom: Gundam Wing  
Rating+13  
Pairings: Trowa centric  
Warnings: angst  
Disclaimer: blah not mine.  
Summary: Trowa is required to see a psychiatrist before being allowed to be an agent for Preventers. 

Notes: DourMetal gave me some good ideas when we plotted this, but I'm pretty sure I ended up tossing the morals of this story down the drain, somewhere... sorry dour ;;

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Testament 

The door closed with a click and the doctor looked up from his notepad. His experienced eyes scrutinized the young man that entered silently into his office. A lean body, tall with graceful movements stood before him waiting for instructions perhaps or an invitation?

"Have a seat young man, please make yourself comfortable." The doctor removed his spectacules, from where he had them placed on his head, and put them to sit loosly at the bridge of his nose. He waited while the young man situated himself on the leather couch before beginning.

"So your name is Trowa Barton correct? My name is Dr. Iwasaki, I will be in charge of your examination and will be the one delivering your data to Lady Une herself." He smiled, smiling usually made the patients more comfortable but by the looks of it, it seemed the patient was unaffected. "I know this must be...difficult for you, most people don't like to see a psychiatrist but I like to just let you know that while this is necessary for your employment with the Preventers, you can always come to me whenever you need help. I can be your friend if you let me." Another smile and another unaffected response.

"Very well, shall we begin?" Dr. Iwasaki picked up his notepad and pen and opened his notes to a fresh, clean sheet of paper. "Let's begin with your name then. What is your name?"

"I don't have one."

The doctor blinked, "You don't have one." He nodded, "Alright, well it says right here that your name is Trowa Barton. Isn't that correct?"

"No"

He tapped his pen against the notepad, "Very well, Can I ask why you don't have a name?"

"I was never given one."

"I see." Dr. Iwasaki jotted a few notes down and continued. "Well since your information says 'Trowa Barton' is it all right if I call you that?"

"I don't care."

"Very well." A few more scribbled notes jotted down, "How do you feel today Mr. Barton?"

"Fine"

The doctor nodded, "Were there any questions or concerns you have you'd like to ask before we continue? Is there anything that may be on your mind or making you feel tense or nervous?"

"No"

"I see. Alright then, we'll continue. You can lay down on the couch if it makes you feel comfortable, I have some patients that prefer not to look at me when I question them."

"I'm fine."

"Alright then..." The doctor took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "What do you do on your day off Mr. Barton? Can I call you Trowa? It seems less distant if I call you by your first name."

"I don't care."

"Fine, so what do you do on your day off Trowa?"

"Work, clean, I do my responsiblities."

"And what are those responsiblities?"

"The things I can't do when I'm working."

"Such as?"

"Maintaining my apartment, staying in shape."

Iwasaki nodded, "And what do you do when those responsiblities are met? What do you do when you have more free time with nothing to do?"

"I play the flute"

Iwasaki perked, his nimble fingers scribbling down notes as they continued. "Where did you learn to play?"

"From others in my camp."

"Camp?"

Trowa nodded.

Iwasaki tapped his pen against the notepad. "Could you elaborate on that a little?"

"Mercenary"

Iwasaki dropped his pen. "I see." He bent down to pick up his pen. "So you were a part of the mercenaries?"

Trowa nodded again.

"Right then. So did you have friends in the mercenary camps?"

"I have no friends."

"What about those other boys? The other Gundam Pilots?"

"They're not my friends."

"Oh? Can I ask what they are?"

"Allies"

"I see" Iwasaki closed his notepad, crossed his legs and folded his hands over his lap. "Mr. Barton, I know this must be difficult for you, as a former soldier you have trust issues but I assure you that nothing you say here will go beyond these walls. Not even Lady Une will know of what's being said. I'm only going to give her a summary of my analysis on your behavior. Nothing in detail, so please don't feel like you have to hide anything from me. I would like to be your friend if you allow me."

"I'm not hiding anything."

Iwasaki frowned and rubbed the bridge of his nose where the spectacules sat. "Very well, we'll continue then." He opened his notepad again. "Where are you from?"

"I was raised on L3"

"And your family?"

"I have none. I was found abandoned as a child by the mercenaries. They took me in and raised me."

"I see, so that is why you don't have a name?" Iwasaki scooted forward in his chair.

Trowa nodded, "I was an abandoned and unwanted child. I came with no name therefore I was given none."

"Well they must have called you something did they not?"

"Nanashi, it means 'No Name'"

Iwasaki nodded, "How did you become a Gundam Pilot?"

Trowa looked at him silently.

"Very well, we'll leave that question out. How did you feel when you were a Gundam Pilot?" He asked, fingers jotting down notes rapidly.

"As a responsibility."

"Could you elaborate on that?"

"It was something that needed to be done, therefore I did it."

Iwasaki watched him, continuously nodding. "Did you want to be a Gundam Pilot?"

"It didn't matter what I wanted, it was a responsibility that needed to be done."

"What about the mercenaries? How did they treat you? Did you like being a mercenary?"

"I had no choice. It was either be a merc or die." Trowa lowered his head briefly, hands tugging at the ends of his green sweater. "If I had known then what it is I know now...I would have chosen death."

Iwasaki faltered in his writing, but continued with question. "Why is that?"

"Because death is better then being what I am now."

"And what are you now?"

"A murderer"

"Why do you say that?"

"Because I killed people."

"Well it was war and you are a former soldier."

"But that doesn't excuse the fact that I killed others."

"No...no it doesn't..." Iwasaki jotted down a few more lines. There was a mild pause between them while he tried to think of more questions to ask. Questions that he hoped would help ease the tension that seemed to fill the room in the last few minutes.

"Tell me about yourself. Is there anything you like? Anything you consider yourself good at, a sport or activity that you excel at?"

"I like playing the flute, it's the only thing that soothes me."

"Good, good and how about activity? Is there any sport you like or consider yourself good at?"

"Gymnastics. I also traveled with a circus briefly during my time as a Gundam Pilot. I walked the tight rope and was target for knife throwing."

"Knife throwing? Weren't you scared?"

"No, I don't fear death."

"Do you fear it now?"

Trowa shook his head, "You can't fear something you long for," he said softly.

"Excuse me?"

Trowa remained silent.

Iwasaki bit his bottom lip and jotted down a few more notes. "Tell me more about yourself in the here and now. How well do you interact with others? Are you comfortable with our current society?"

"Does it matter?"

"Well I'd like to know if you feel comfortable with the peace that you and others have brought to us?"

"Peace is an illusion. What we have is simply a pause between wars."

"So then you're not happy with our current situation?" Iwasaki asked.

"There is nothing to be gained in our current state. We have lost so much and there is nothing to be shown for it."

"But...history shows us that we never forget our past endeavors. That those lives lost, will not be forgotten as their names are written down into the archives of mankind."

"History also shows us that we never learn from our past endeavors and that there will be another war that will add more names to be written down into the archives of mankind. Those names will overshadow past ones and the list will never cease to grow."

"Was there nothing you have gained from all of this?"

Before Trowa could answer, the doctors watch beeped signifying the end of their meeting. Trowa stood up quietly and extended his hand to the doctor. "It was nice to meet you." He said.

Dr. Iwasaki slowly shook Trowas hand while still trying to understand the indifference in which Trowa could so calmly live his life. Trowa nodded to him once and headed towards the door. Just as he opened it, Dr. Iwasaki spoke up.

"You have must have at least learned something? You have lived through two wars, you...you are a skilled survivor."

Trowa looked back at the doctor with an emotionless expression. "Not skilled, just stubborn," and closed the door behind him.

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> blah I need help in character definement.  



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